My feelings.
I really dislike how you feel when you’re very close to someone and then you stop being close to them for whatever reason, sometimes none, often none, and then you try to make it better again, but it just feels like they DON’T WANT to make it better, and you can feel them drifting and you can see them becoming closer with other people and then you don’t know what to do.
Sometimes I wish that Siddhartha Gautama was right and that his son was right in the end when he said that time did not exist, I would very much like to reach back five or six or ten or however many months ago and pull out different things that I’ve now forgotten and concentrate on them so much that I could never lose them in the future. I think that the loss of memory that accompanies the loss of a friendship makes it oddly worse, like how you begin to forget the fine details of somebody’s face when you don’t see them every day, and then you see them once in a while and they look so different every time.
I wish that feelings could transcend time and if they could not then you could receive an automatic flow chart or a recording on a machine or something that beeps when the feelings begin to change or flare up or fade away so you could tell when feeling the way you do would be preposterous and that it was time to change, too. Today I read an article about these four people with some sort of a disorder that causes them to remember minute details about everything, like where they were and who they were with for every birthday, or what the score was in a football match in 1989, stuff like that. They talked about what a struggle it was to be ‘blessed,’ with such a permanent kind of memory, and how painful or embarrassing memories aren’t fleeting and how they just sort of stick around forever. I really wonder what that’d be like. It’d probably kill me.
It just occurred to me how much our lives are like fire. I wish that fire could be classified as a living thing, then, because it is so, so close, and just, because.
