Feelings, and the confession of suppression.
I am in one of those odd stages of thought where you are suddenly terrified that everybody you care about is leaving you.
It doesn’t happen that often, only three or four times a year, usually once with each season, some more- like Summer or Winter, some less- like Spring, but it’s the absolute worst feeling in the world. I feel so paranoid and worried and as if every conversation I have with somebody will be the last. I don’t know when I got so worried about this but it’s becoming unbearable, this feeling has lasted for weeks and I’m terrified that it’ll stick around for much longer.
I’ve been re-reading old conversations and listening to songs that I used to listen to months ago, trying to find the old meaning in them. I’ll make up scenarios. I’ll take trips to the beach at night and just sit on the sand, apartment lights blazing in the background, waves breaking, stars dotting the sky and the pale moon illuminating the shoreline. I just don’t know what to do, I think and think and think and become exasperated. I am convinced that certain people are leaving me and so when they attempt to talk to me (on the rare occasion, and if so it’s just a simple ‘Hi!’, as if nothing ever happened, as if we never had anything, which I find to be the most frustrating and saddening and infuriating way to converse in the history of feeling) I’ll try to ignore them. It works for a few days, but then I remember how much I miss them and how even if they don’t care about me in the slightest, realizing this won’t change anything, and so I attempt to make amends in some desperate, purely emotional way and it just turns out messy and horrible.
I’ve refused to allow myself back into the world because I am terrified that something will go wrong. I try to talk about my feelings occasionally but it just feels bizarre and uncomfortable, as if I’m making them worse. Like I should just suppress them.
I’m not one for such great emotional turmoil and I haven’t felt so troubled in years. Maybe it is just everything adding up. Maybe it’s nothing.
My head just keeps on spinning and I get horrible migraines. I feel as if I should not be going to school, as if I cannot deal with seeing so many people at a time, when it’s impossible to see a handful of people who I really absolutely care about who probably don’t even think about me anymore.
So. Here’s my confession to the internet. I still feel empty. I don’t think it’s because of hunger. It’s impossibly difficult to explain. I feel as if a part of me is missing, if I went into the ER right now due to a heart attack, they’d cut open my body but a huge section of my organs would just be gone and it’d be incomprehensible.
